Stained Light
by Eden Tankersley
Summary: One woman's search for comfort from her loss, though the answer may not be what she was searching for. And only Tomoyo Daidouji knows the secrets behind life ... [songfic]


Author: Kei-chan Fushigu (kimiko)  
Email: kimiko_chan@adelphia.net  
samianime@hotmail.com  
angelicsorceress@hotmail.com  
Series: CCS  
Rating: PG

Disclaimer:

--- lyrics by Ayumi Hamasaki, song by Ayumi Hamasaki: "Dearest", third ending theme to Inuyasha.

--- fic by Kei-chan Fushigu

--- nothing in this fic belongs to me. It is all the creation of CLAMP, and when not them, all credit belongs to Ayumi Hamasaki. None of it is mine. Perhpas the ending lines, but the rest belongs to them. It just happened ... and it scares me.

Notes: 

You guys ... I don't know how this one happened ...it just did ... one moment I was looking through Ayumi Hamasaki lyrics, trying to choose one to write a song to, and a few looked pretty prmising, and I started to download the songs I dind't have off the Internet, and I discovered this. Third ending theme to Inuyasha, a hauntingly lovely song. Not like Endless Sorrow (which WILL have a fic soon, if I can write one that stands up to it's utter glory, as the lyrics are almost more haunting than the song itself in ways.) ... but still haunting ...

I meant to write a song about loss, about Tomoyo, and this ... happened ... PLEASE tell me what you think! I have no idea whether its good or not! I think I got really random and scene-switchy, because it hardly makes sense to me, and I may have crossed the line in some of my weird phrases and symbolism and stuff ...

Please please please review! I'm really not sure about this one, I'm so confused ...

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--- Broken Light, Stained Dreams ---  
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The air was stifling. Midday sun beating down on the cramped masses, the air soiled by colored light and tears and sadness. The stained glass windows were beautiful, absolutely lovely. No one could escape their brilliance, such a masterpiece of color. What a beautiful place she chose for her wedding, they whispered. Lovely. But one must always remember that the glass is stained, stained by the bright colors and marks that humanity leaves as it passes through, the shattered pieces held together by silver poison and letting only the colored and marked light through. Chosen dreams. Marked hearts.

The woman in the front row sat straight and tall, wearing a simple white dress with no adornment at all. Her voice was high and clear, even in a whisper. No one sat around her, afraid of her powerful persona and her unmistakable charm. Strange, they whispered. Weird. She's never been right. Look at her, in such clothing, so plain ... so wrong ... she who loved the pretty, admired the beautiful ... she didn't understand at all, how could she have even known love, she who scorned all that tried. Cold and untouchable. How wrong they were.

  
**// It would be nice if we could throw away //****_  
// everything but what is most important //_**

"So childish ..." She let a flicker of a smile pass her thin and expressive lips. 

The little girl, heedless of the sacred empty place, spun around in a circle. "Pretty!" She gasped, a long and drawn breath that seemed to never end. "Pretty ... so pretty ..."

The light of the glass shown on her face, the afternoon sun reflecting through the intricate glasswork. Her dress, fluffy and pink, looked to be made of cloth of dreams, as the light of all colors reflected on it.

The tinkling, lovely laugh rang out in a surprised way from beside her. She didn't even catch her breath as the vision stepped up to the pew.

"Praying?" She inquired with a mischievous air. Her short brown hair bounced, still that beautiful shade of strawberry-tinged gold, though the red had become more pronounced and there was a startling shock of silver she refused to dye. Such a difference from the waist-length strawberry locks she had worn because he loved how she looked with long hair. They were freshly cut, and the look of them threw her back into her childhood days, forever captured on fleeting and dusty videotape. Her face was lined in laughter, little-used since then ...

  
**// Reality is just cruel, but whenever I close my eyes //****_  
// you're there, smiling //_**

  
Brushing back her ankle-length full mane of black hair shot with silver, Tomoyo smiled softly. "You have more for which to pray than I ever will."

"Mm." She nodded, reaching a hand up to brush back hair that no longer rested against her skin. Stopping in the middle, she sat down with a slightly sheepish look. "I keep thinking it's still back there."

"You didn't have to cut it, you know." Tomoyo commented, but Sakura just looked sad. 

"I still think it's there sometimes ... Just beyond reach ..."

The little girl, giggling, ran over. "Mommy, mommy!" And Sakura scooped her up, kissing her on the nose. "Having fun?"

She nodded energetically. "Pretty!"

Sakura brushed back the wavy dark hair. "Be nice to the flowers, sweetheart. They're pretty just for you." She winked. "Only for you."

"Ha-i!"

"Be good, baby." And she set the babe down to let her run and play again.

"This was such a good idea, Tomoyo." Sakura sighed. "Look at her, so happy."

Sensing the pain, Tomoyo put her arm around Sakura's shoulders. "It's your doing, Sakura. you've made her happy."

"But ... to grow up without a father ..."

Turning her face gently towards herself, Tomoyo carefully wiped the tears from Sakura's eyes. "You grew up without a mother, and I grew up without a father, and I dare to say neither of us turned out half-bad."

She smiled. A small smile, but it was a beginning. "As did ... Syaoran."

"That he did." Agreed Tomoyo. "Look at us, such a parentless lot. I'm surprised we all turned out half-decently."

Stroking the pendent she constantly wore. Long fingers, beautiful fingers, but everything about Sakura was beautiful. "I know ..." She said distantly. "He's not gone."

**Ah- I hope your smiling face is with me****_  
until the day I fall into eternal sleep_**

  
"Tomoyo ..." Those long fingers brushed hers. "Tomoyo ..."

She didn't need to answer.

"I just thought," She caught her breath. "Well, I'm so lonely in the big house, and with the child ... soon to be two ..." She patted her stomach, such a bulge in her slim figure. Not more than two months to go for that one. "And you're so good with the kids ..."

Words. Such messengers of miscommunication. But humanity has never needed a language to get the point across. 

Hands touching, lifting.

There were tears in her eyes again. "You ... you'll never ... leave me, Tomoyo ..."

Eyes never leaving Sakura's, Tomoyo shook her head. And pulled the woman into the best hug she could muster.

"I'll never leave you, Sakura." Whispered Tomoyo comfortingly, calmly, wondering how many more times she would be left holding her Sakura like this. 

"Oh, Tomoyo ..." She sobbed. "I ... I lo -"

She was silenced by a slender finger on her lips. "Save it, dear." Taking Sakura's hands in hers, Tomoyo calmly continued. "I'll never leave you ... but I can't share your house."

"To-tomoyo ..."

"Don't say it, Sakura. Please ..." Reaching over to open the pendent Sakura wore, she opened it to reveal a picture of a stunning handsome man. Syaoran. "What did you wear here so long ago?"

"The key ... you gave me the name, it was yours ..." Sakura begged.

"And look, it has been replaced by something even closer to your heart." She silenced the woman again. "Don't speak, darling. While I can love you with this," she waved her hand towards the child, "I can never love you like this." She closed it and let it fall to her chest again.

**// Are all people sad?// **

"Don't let him go, Sakura. Never let him go."

**//They are forgetful creatures...//**

**"**I ... I never will ... "

**// For that which you should love, for that which gives love: give it your all //**

"Promise me."

"I promise ... but oh, Tomoyo, it's so hard ... so hard ..."

  
**// [For that which you should love, for that which buries love: give it your all] //**

A wedding in the very same church. White, white, white everywhere, with white flowers and white carpets and white cookies and white dresses and a white suit and pink champagne, because Syaoran and Sakura agreed that it tasted better than the greenish-yellow type.

"For you," He had said, handing her a tall glass of the sparkling beverage. And, tucked into the top, was a cherry blossom, pink and beautiful and untouched by time.

"It's ..." She had no words, just large green eyes sparkling brighter than the drink.

"You." He finished, and they started.

There was no need for champagne or flowers or dresses or suits after that. Just light, a broken glass staining the white carpet, love, a cherry blossom, perfect as eternity.

  
**// Ah- when we met we were so awkward //****_  
// We've taken the long road; we've hurt each other //_**

"It's a girl." He said, wondrously.

She looked up at him, pleading. "I know, a son for the Clan .."

Surprised, he laughed, and she laughed too because this was a rare occurrence indeed. "A son? Why would I ever want a son? I want a little Sakura running around so I can see what you were like before I met you."

She sat up weakly, and he quickly reached down so they could hug around the baby. "I want a little boy, like you, Syaoran." She whispered.

"No, you don't," He whispered back, and they were in perfect disagreement.

_// Ah- I hope your smiling face is with me //_**_  
// until the day I fall into eternal sleep //_**

"Don't leave me ..." Her eyes shown brightly with emotion through the tears.

His breathing was labored, breathy. "I ... must ..."

"L-leave me ..." A whisper. Hands, touching, intertwined like the branches of a tree. "G-go ... I love you so much ..."

"Girl ... make her like you ..."

"I want her to be like you!" She sobbed, losing her control. "I want you back, I want you whole and healthy! I want to be with you! I want to run around under the cherry trees and do silly little magic things and worry about the fate of the damned world, not sit here and watch my world collapse with you! Come back, come back, my love, my life ..."

"L-love you ..."

"I love you!"

"So much ..."

"You're my life! My heart, it dies with you!"

He regarded her with his brilliant amber eyes. "That's fine ... just ... raise her ... don't forget her ..."

"I promise!" She sobbed. "I'll dream about you, where my heart is, just wait for me!"

"Love you ..."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you too much, I love you, goodbye, I love you, I'm sorry ... Syaoran ... I love you ... I'm sorry ... just let go ... I love you ... love you ..."

_// Ah- when we met we were so awkward //_**_  
// We've taken the long road, but we've finally arrived //_**

"So Sakura, I can't come to be with you." She finished softly. "I love you so much ... and I won't see you lose sight of this." She tapped the pendant. 

She was sobbing again. Again. Days and nights and days and days and the pain never lessened, never left. "I - I had to ask ... thank you, Tomoyo ..."

"Don't worry about it," She said softly, a ocean torn apart by doubt under her cam surface. "I love you, and that is what I'm here for."

  
_// We've taken the long road, until we arrive //_

And that is why Tomoyo Daidouji dressed in white for the funeral of her lost love. That is why she didn't cry, never shed a tear, because her mourning had finished twenty years before. She lost her love with the man her love had chosen. Or perhaps it wasn't lost, it was only hidden, soaring through the sky and waiting for the right moment to descend. Like the light from the windows, it was stained, but that stain was beautiful. The light had kept them going for twenty years, the promise of the light and an end to her searching.

Because Tomoyo Daidoji knew that love can't be lost, it can only be found.

  
_// We've taken the long road // _

"I'm so sorry, I love you, thank you, I love you, my heart is with you ... always ... we did well ... they're beautiful ... I love you ... my heart ... with you ... you .."

_// Until we arrive //_


End file.
